It’s been one year since I walked out of my office job… after seven years in marketing and communications. Parts of it were good. Honestly, parts of it were great. But the last few years were a slow downhill slide until I had one epiphany moment that launched me into the next adventure.
The last year has included :
+ 1,889,000 logged steps
+ 390 cups of coffee
+ 3,100 textbook pages
+ 25 therapy sessions
+ a million quiet moments in the apartment
+ too much time to think
+ new stresses and anxieties
+ learning how to trust and believe in myself
+ feeling like I’m finally on the right path
Leaving my job was not a magic bullet (like I hoped and thought it would be in a lot of ways). I didn’t magically wake up and not have anxiety or worries any more. In fact, I struggle with them at every new step. I didn’t wake up instantly healthier. I’m still having trouble sleeping.
But this is one of the first times I’ve jumped into something I want, and felt confident in my decision. It’s one of the first times I’ve taken a chance like this, a huge leap. And it’s going so well. And it’s also terrifying because I don’t have any practice. I think being brave doesn’t necessarily feel brave. It feels shaky and sometimes full of worries and staying up nights. And then you’re just doing it anyway.
And then you look back at the last few steps and realize there was something amazing going on.
I’m hitting a new round of scary this week — and new doubts — and wondering about little pieces of this journey. But at the same time, I’m realizing just because this is what I want doesn’t mean that it’s going to be easy, or that things will magically fall into place, or that I won’t question myself.
The flip side is true, too, though : just because I’m still questioning myself and feeling stressed doesn’t mean it’s not exactly where I’m supposed to be.
I can’t wait to keep going on this scary adventure every day, and keep working on my fears and doubts that seem brand new basically every week.
There’s been so much (positive) change for me this year. But I’m ready to find a balance again. I’m embracing this new normal, but I want to find stability here now. Leaps and changes are amazing, but one after the other starts to feel a little exhausting.
I’m ready to take a big deep breath and plant my feet a little bit. I don’t want to wait until “the end” of all of this (I don’t even think that concept ever really shows up). I want to find balance and calm in the middle of all of this up and down and scary adventure.
I don’t have any quick answers or cutesy mini lists to share with you, but I do think it’s possible. I think it involves being mindful, and lots of mental check-ins, and remembering to just stop and breathe through it, even when it’s scary or confusing.
I can’t imagine where I’ll be a year from now. My goal is to be still working toward work I care about, bringing more people into my life, and giving up this idea of getting out of your comfort zone and learning how to be more comfortable with all the new experiences.